Standing tall

I feel like an emo-nemo now. I had no idea why I felt this way. Well, I did nothing wrong lately. Probably, I did something foolish. It's common for me to do something foolish and my friends knew that always. I always screwed things up but it doesn't really matter because I always manage to resolve them. I am happy actually, but I feel sad when they thought I pretended to be happy. The feeling is so weird until I have no idea if my happiness comes from heart or for the sake of display.

 

I wasn't even speaking the heart of truth when I was drunk. I used to tell the truth when I was drunk. It was then I realised I did the vice versa lately. I made white into black and turned water into air. I woke up in fright to my stupor upon realisation of my difficulty in differentiating my feelings with the rights and wrongs. I felt like a walking corpse without a soul. My soul just vanished and got lost into the thin air.

 

I am a logical person, you can say a person who faces reality. Being sad and pondering too much is not gonna make you stronger. I like challenges and I prefer to fight rather than being a weakling. Unfortunately, my emotional feelings is missing all these while. I have really high patience and I thought that it's been trained over the 6 - 7 yrs of my previous relationship. I had no idea if I broke up because I was tired or lacked of something. I failed to discover the thing missing. In fact, I didn't even bother to find out what that is. Maybe I wasn't given the sufficient attention all along, or the trust within carries no weight at all.

 

I tried hard and without notice, I just decided to tone down. I did wonder if I regret it or did I not regret it. I have no answer at the moment. There are friends who thought that I was happier in the relationship, whereas, there are people who thought that I wasn't. It was contradicting and I just lost myself in a thick misty forest. I failed to find my way out. There's no map, compass to aid me. Well, I don't wish to lie. True enough, there were moments when I still thought of him. There were certain significants between both of us. It's almost 7 yrs. It's not something that I can just let go. Still, life carries on and I never wish to stop trying. Life is all about trying no matter if it's about love life, family, friends, career or studies. We have to keep trying to reach for our goals. A winner standing tall, a loser standing small. No one wishes to be a loser. We keep fighting and living forward to improve. No one wishes to remain stationary at the same spot forever. Unfortunately, there are people who failed to move on.

 

Try and fail, but not fail to try.

 

This is the principle that I kept on to all the time as a reminder to myself. All of a sudden, the thoughts came back to me over a night. I sat at a corner and started to think about my previous relationship. I had no idea how it ended up this way. But it takes 2 hands to clap. Maybe one of us just gave up along the way without trying anymore.

 

For now, I just wish to do nothing. Nothing at all. I don't even feel like surfing the net, listening to songs or browsing facebook. It's meaningless to me. I just want to focus in my work, my career, my family and friends at the moment. Love life is not important to me for now. I am willing to try, but I am not ready for it. I don't know what is love. I need to clear my mind and start searching for my goals.

 

It was lately, I looked into the mirror. I realised I've changed. I've become not myself. I did not change for the worse, but I hate myself now. I had no idea what I've become. My smiles ain't pretty and natural. My mood swing like tornados. My mind floats like water.

 

I turned into a fucking liar. I called myself a fucking liar because I really thought I was. I was too used to conceal my feelings that made me unsure if my feelings were true or I was just saying it. I hurt people around me and added on to their burden. I said things that were not meant to be. I did negative things to make them stay away from me. I lied about my feelings. I claimed that I love when I don't to seek attention. It's seriously unbecoming of me. I had no idea behind the purposes of me doing so. I just want to see the reactions they have.

 

I was totally out of control and I had no idea what's right and wrong to joke about. I can't imagine myself playing a game of forfeit claiming that I was in a relationship. Some people might thought that it's just a game. But deep down in me, I knew that it was harsh. It was something not meant to be joke about. Relationship is meant to be held with high respect and I just joked about it casually. I should have rejected the forfeit and not worsen the situation by executing it. I was so stressed up that I thought that it was fun. I never expect myself to be so childish and naive. It was the worse mistake I made this entire year.

 

I did something really nasty last night and I talked to a few of my friends in person and over the phone (Disclaimer: Not the ones who went partying with me). I shared untrue feelings to them. I cried at their presence as I lied and made up stories. I thought that it was a relief for me. I was such a biatch. Unrepentful, I thought that it was fun and I felt like a jerk when I became sober. My life has been chaotic and I began playing with fire. I should seriously do some self reflections and stay peaceful and quiet for a week.

 

I wasn't myself anymore and I missed the old me. I used to be cheerful and fun. I never crossed my line and this time round, I was caught in grey, in the middle of black and white. I did things against my principles. I'm strong and I will be strong. I promised myself that I will revert to my old self with effect from this coming Monday. Monday is a beginning of a week, therefore I believe that it's gonna be a brand new beginning for me. I will sort my thought out by tomorrow and put a stop to my stupidity. I don't want to make a fool out of myself. I will get up on my feet, firm and steady. I am sick and tired of myself. I'm feeling sick lately, been down on fever for days. I just want to get sufficient of rest and be back to real life. I live in reality and I don't believe in miracles and fairy tales. But I believe in the effort to try. We should never give up trying so as to move further. Only losers and coward give up trying.