No one

I began to wonder how I manage to survive these 3 months of torments. I considered myself as a fortunate girl. I see myself as someone who lack of the courage to love. Maybe my pride matters so much that I rather give up without trying. I've seen girls who give up their pride and beg to please. Sincerely speaking, I respect them because they have the courage to do so while I don't.

 

I had recovered gradually, and I went through alot of pain getting myself back on feet. I try hard to forget. Even until today, I am still trying. I know I'll be able to walk out of it someday. Then, everything came back to me last night. Memories from the first to last meeting and simple short moments we spent communicating hit my head over and over again.

 

God, I never believe in you. I believe that fate lies in my own hands. I create my future and not fate creates me. Unfortunately, I chose to back off without trying. Maybe I was timid and I came up with excuses leaving things to fate when I don't even believe in it. I don't want to earn that amount of love using underhand methods or stabbing one another to climb my way up.

 

I rather bring myself down and grant a chance to the others. I just cannot afford to stoop low. I want to be kind and I don't wish to hurt anyone.

 

I just wanna forget about it and move on with life. I see no point of hanging myself in the mid air getting nothing in return except pains. I'm dreadful about the 3 months of torments. I hate myself for crying in the middle of the night over same damn thing because of the same person. It's making me sick. Yes, I wish that time could turn back but I know it is impossible. I lost the game, I lost the bet. I lost everything. My pride, my heart and soul, but I am grateful that I did not lose my friends. That is my greatest comfort.

 

I might look cheery and playful but I'm fragile.

I might think for the others but I fail to think for myself at times.

 

I'm not perfect. No one is perfect.

 

#Taken 8 January 2013