Meant to be

I had a really long chat with Xiao Qian last night. We always have a heart to heart talk from time to time. I manage to smoke through always because I look really cheery cherrie all the time. Most people believes that I'm truely happy. The fact is, I don't wish to add on to other's burden. I don't want to be sympathised for I have pride. I might be stranded in a horrible plight, tearing away in the middle of the night, burried myself into deep thoughts lying on my pilow. Still, I have to walk out of the dark shadow by myself someday.

 

I don't wish to depend on the others. I want to be independent. I want to earn respect from people for who I am. I don't wanna use underhand methods by acting like a weakling to receive care and concern. That is not me and I know.

 

Yes, I'm sociable. I just want to make quality friends. I am not blind, I know who are the real friends and the ones who come and go in my life. Sad to say, hi-bye friends are common. Speaking from heart, I value those who stay in my life. I remember every little thing they done for me.

 

I may not get to meet Teng all the time. She has 2 monstrous and naughty children to handle. Still, she finds time for me and Qian. She reads my blog to update herself about my well-being. She'd text or call me when she senses abnormality about me. There was a period when I was caught in a terrible plight. I cried from days to weeks because I was badly hurt in a way. It was an untold story and I only mentioned to those whom I really trust. Teng spent money and hours at arcade to win a Mickey Mouse pocket watch for me. It was an unique bronze pocket watch that caught my attention. It was never about the money but the effort she spent. She could have spent the money on her children but she spent it on me leaving her 2 children in her mother's care for the entire day. All the catastrophes attacked me within a few months. It was then followed by Jason's accident. Frankly speaking, I was tired and worn-out. I pushed myself really hard because I knew that I could not afford to fall. I knew that he needs me otherwise he would not request for me at the brink of death. That was when I realised I am an important friend to him. Flashbacks of how I pranked him kept coming back. I wish I had treated him better in the past. I was panic stricken when I learnt about the news. I never expect the accident to be such a tragic. My mind went blank for the first moment I saw him. Teng never fail to care and concern about me. 

 

I wish not to add on to Berlin's burden as well. She has her own difficulties. I know that she yearns to have a home of herself. She wants to create a beautiful family with her own hands. She wants to be independent and earn every single penny by herself. She will always be the babe I respect in every ways despite her fiery temper. She is just being straightforward and blunt with her words. She loves me and I know she treasures me. I merely mentioned that I wanted the name stickers and she ordered it for me. Not only that she surprised me by mailing it to me. She bought me cute earrings and stuffs to cheer me up. She knew I wasn't feeling good inside, but she never exposed me. She tried to cheer me up with her nonsense.

 

I frequently meet up with Meiwen to visit the hospital. I'm glad to have a friend like her for I know her loyalty. Well, she can be very bad tempered at times but she meant no harm. Probably just a little demoralised and has no motivation in life that makes her tired of her job. I know she is a loyal friend because she has not left me all these whiles. I know her for years and she cares for me. I know she was guilty and sorry about a particular incident towards me. She doesn't have to actually. Everything's over. I just wish that she can move on and forget about it.

 

As for Qian, we had joy, we had fun, we had seasons in the sun. We shared our tears and woes at the same old place, by a table or under a shelter. She was the one who taught me what love is. Love across the boundaries casting aside the unexpected factors. Age, height, weight, education, finance should never be an affecting reasons. I learnt a valuable lesson this time round.

 

I had a long talk with Qian last night and she asked me...

 

If we could turn back in time, when do you wish to go back to?

 

I wish to turn back to the end of June. That was when I met him, I'll probably not let so many factors affect me. I'll make a choice of trying instead of giving up without trying. I regretted for not making my feelings know to him for I have a strong pride. Qian pointed out that I love myself more than him. It could be true, I have no idea. If I could go back in time, I'd probably give it a try and salvage the situation instead of leaving loose ends that left me with nothing but regrets. I would have tried even if I know I wasn't good enough.

 

I regret for not trying. I love myself so much that I cannot afford to fail or lower my pride to admit the fact that I probably like him alot. Alot more than I expected. I only realised it after I lost everything. I thought my days were dull until the tragic accident happened. I began to tell myself that my plight isn't the worst. I have to push myself harder than ever. It's been 2 months plus and I'm still pushing myself forward. I really had a bad time, a bad day, a bad month.

 

It's gonna be perfect if I could reall go back in time...

 

I know it's impossible...

 

Unless it's all fated and meant to be... 

 

 

Have a nice day ahead.

 

Cheers,

Pzy