A nightmare

I have been writing letters every single night before I sleep. Everyone is wondering why do I have so much to write to motivate him. In fact, I don't. I wrote nothing about encouragement. Nothing at all. People might misunderstood me for writing about my personal stuffs. In fact, I just want to keep him update about what's going on outside while he was in the ward. I like to be funny or maybe I'm funny most of the time, but this time round, I'm not trying to be funny. I just wanna show him that he's just like us, the same friend I know. There won't be any changes because life goes on. I know that I was doing the right thing but I hated myself for that. I can't stop thinking about putting myself in his shoes wondering if I'm able to accept the cruel reality. I know I can't. I'll never be able to. Here, being a bitch and my selfishness of not losing a friend, I want him to move on. I was absolutely disgusted by myself. I'm such a hypocrite.

 

Nevertheless, he smiled when he saw me. He held my head close to him and pat me gently on my back. I felt the piercing pain in my heart. He pretended that he was strong before me. I used to joke with him and execute evil little pranks on him. He was lying in his bed pressing the call bell, disturbing the nurses to cheer me up. He pressed again and again. The nurse entered and he gestured that I was the one who played with bell. I knew, I knew that he was trying to play a prank on me to show that he was fine. I pretended to be cheerful and angry with him for playing pranks on me, calling him a naughty and disobedient. But deep down, I was bleeding. My heart was bleeding badly. I felt helpless and useless for I should be the one trying to cheer him up.

 

I can't help looking at my past conversation with him in the facebook. He used to tell me how thoughtful and impressive I was in his eyes yet I randomly scanned through only. Then I realised how much he cared for me. I really missed the days he texted me every morning, writing nonsense on my wall and playing pranks on me.

 

I just can't get over with this.

 

I wished and wish that it was just a nightmare.