Minimal happiness gone

Complications killed my minimal happiness I've left at my recovery stage. I wouldn't say I've completely recovered because I knew I haven't and it wont be easy. I'm badly traumatized. The impact was so strong that I could no longer feel security. I thought to myself and began to wonder if I was/am too gullible. I believe almost everything, a joke, a white lie or the truth; so be it. Maybe I am gullible, but I just don't wanna live in a world whereby everyone starts to guess. Guessing is a kind of pain and stress.

 

I thought that I hadn't lost my faith and trust in people. It was then, I realised a change in myself. Maybe it's not a drastic change. I can't differentiate love and like. Definitely, I know there's a difference. Unfortunately, I can't tell them apart. It was so neutral that I suspect there was something wrong with me.

 

I tried to keep myself as happy as much as possible. I organized gatherings to pack my schedule so that I don't think. I played hard so that it made me tired and I'll get to sleep in peace. I've been trying hard not to think. It's really hard.

 

 

 

 

Then I thought to myself...

 

 

 

 

Why can't man be devoted to just a woman?

 

 

 

 

Man always says...

 

 

 

 

"You are the only one."

"I love you only."

 

 

 

 

Their actions speak a billion words. They cheated and turned their back against us. They probably thought we were not going to find out. True, maybe we won't know forever. But, we can feel and sense it.

 

 

 

 

Is appearance that important?

 

Or would you rather go for a beautiful heart?

 

 

 

 

Everyone claims that they will go for a beautiful heart. But when the right time comes, they chose a beautiful case that brings them proud and glory. That's reality.

 

 

 

 

For the split seconds...

 

We became an option and not a choice anymore. I hate being an option. The feeling is bad. I've been treating everyone kind and nice, putting in my best effort in everything I do.

 

 

 

 

Why do I deserve such treatment?

 

 

 

 

It's really hard to find someone special who's willing to be there for you at all time. Giving you the best comfort, the nicest speech, the greatest fun. Even if there is...

 

How long can it last?

 

A day? A month? A year?

 

 

 

 

Man always says...

 

"I'll be there when you need me."

"I don't want to see you cry."

"I will do my best to make you happy."

"I'll lend you my shoulder."

"I'll never give up on you."

 

 

 

 

But when the crucial time comes...

 

Talk is CHEAP as usual.

 

 

 

 

I'll treasure if I can find someone special who honour his promises. Well, till today, there's none. They talked and make the world spins like Merry-Go-Round, and no actions been done.

 

Flashbacks attacked me repeatedly and I really wish that there's someone to lend me a shoulder to lean and cry. It really hurts. It hurts me badly and terribly. I don't wanna be an option. Once bitten, twice shy; I'll not let this repeat every again. Please get out of my life if you see me as an option because I only wish to treasure those who sees me as a choice.

 

I tried to numb myself as much as I can. In fact, I was truly happy with my girls, my besties, my new friends. For the short moment, I stopped thinking about unhappy stuffs. Unfortunately, I neglected my friends unintentionally. I didn't mean it. I was at recovery stage too and it's really hard for me to be considerate at all times. Well, I did, but I may fail accidentally.

 

 

 

 

Everyone thought that I'm an awesome planner.

 

Am I?

 

 

 

From what I see, I'm nothing but a failure that looks good on the surface. If I planned well, I wouldn't have screwed things up and upset my besties. I felt like a jerk when I don't have enough time. I don't wish to lose a bestie over trivial issue or my failure in management. Maybe I'm just not awesome enough. This is tearing my apart.

 

I earned my minimal happiness, and now, it's gone once again.