Chapter 4 Nothing is fair in this world

I'm doubting myself to and extent that I lost myself. I doubt my beliefs because no one believes. I think that I'm depressed because I had overworked myself. I felt so down that I stop writing my feelings across my face.

I am truly exhausted. I worked till dawn almost every alternate days and I am trying hard not to because it's bad for health and reduce my productivity at work. Counting, checking and thinking are like my routine. Yes, and operations.

I pinned high hopes that someone could have helped me. The harshest truth is, no one. The only person that I can trust is myself. I think that I had landed myself in a bad state, a bad shape. Yes, mentally and physically.

I want my hard work to be recognised. However, culture proves that it's a disadvantage to be a woman despite our era.

"Which is more important, success or recognition of effort?" I asked myself.

It's both ways. But success is the top priority. I felt unbalance at heart. I often feel a kind of wrenching pain when images of what I had been thru flashes through my mind. The images reminded me of my hard work and the solid proof that I made it all with my will. Yes, I did it!

People had mistaken the kind of success I'm craving for. I was thought to be craving for wealth. No, I was not. I am not. I am craving for a breakthrough. I am challenging myself and pushing myself to my limits. I want to see how far I can travel in this life learning journey.

No one can have the best of both worlds. Neither do I. For now, I can't soar because I had a rope tied to my legs. I have commitments. These commitments are my greatest foes in life. It feels like a one-man show. I feel extremely lonely.

I felt as though I was deserted on an island and being all by myself. There was a kind of emptiness in me that I don't know how to describe. Sometimes, I just wish to be alone by myself. It sound sad, isn't it. That's not the saddest yet. The saddest is, I cannot afford the time to be by myself.

Maybe I'm just not born to soar. Maybe I should stay within my place because I am a woman. Maybe I should accept the fact that I am nothing. Or maybe I should not have started all these unrealistic dreams.

I earn my penny. I earn what I own now. I do not want to give it up. I want to see the fruits of my labour. I know that I'm reaching there soon and I will as long as I don't give up.

I will... I will...

I have walked till this day and nothing can make me give up.

Make things better

It hadn't been good since the disastrous incident. Yes, something happened unexpectedly at work which made me demoralised. It's all because of a rain which I wish not describe any further to upset myself. I learnt something valuable a real though. I learnt an awesome lecture which taught me how different tone can affect different scenarios. It's definitely something I wish to pick up. It was indeed a skill. I was demoralised but I was motivated to make things better.

Yes, things will be great again.

My wine friends

I was making preparations plan for my wedding when I looked back at some photos. I felt blessed that I was loved by the important ones who played and plays an important roles in my life. Yes, they are irritating, noisy, bitchy and nosy. My wine friends are dear to heart.

"Alcohol may not solve your problems. But neither will tea and sodas."

Chapter 3 Rich VS Poor

"The rich get richer and the poor get poorer" is a catchphrase that evokes discussion in economic inequality at all times. I personally find this rather true and realistic ever since my first embark on my career.

I only stop feeling embarrassed about where I come from when I was 21. I am born in an average family. In fact, it's labelled as low income family. My father was the sole breadwinner. When I was young, I witnessed several terminations of electricity and water supply simply because my family could not afford to pay the bills. Not only that, police officers came to knock on my door and took my dad away because of long overdue house loan. I was traumatised because I had my own understandings during that age. I was able to make justification and had awareness of all the happenings.

I loathed my dad's employer who was a relative of mine. He fucked my life entirely. My dad was not well paid and he took advantage of him to boost his business. I nearly turned into a dropout because I was negative about my life. He made me felt ashamed of myself. I stopped working hard because of negativity. I stooped low from a studious student with good results in the top class to flunking my papers. I became rebellious and developed a bad girl image.

Perhaps, fate pitied me and gave me a second chance. I was about to face the music of not being able to graduate when hope struck me. I made it to my next learning journey. Still, it was disastrous. Just when I was on my way to positivity, my hope dashed once again. I could not afford the expensive school fees, laptop and allowances. Yea, those were my nightmares.

Looking back at it, I was amazed by myself too. I would say... I'm proud of myself. I took up 3 jobs. I work as a sales assistant after school hours and a waitress at a F&B outlet till late night or usually after 2am. I took up freelance teaching jobs during weekend mornings. Honestly, I doubt I can do the same thing again. Laughs. I graduated and found myself a job eventually.

I might not be the best but I truly believe I really hard.

Then one day, I got a wake up call. I gained a painful and unexpected experience. The pain level was incredibly high that I told myself that I want to be different. I witnessed the successful people gaining more success and the rich getting richer. I witness the powerful and influential belittling the poor. I bear the pain in mind and told myself that I will stand up someday and show them I have the capability to change my life.

I gave up a full time job and started venturing on my freelance career. I was mocked by many. They laughed behind me and thought that I was useless and stupid. They criticised that I could not go anywhere without a degree. They saw no prospect in my job and looked down on me.

I never told anyone except the closer ones. The fact is that I'm doing pretty fine with my freelance "hopeless" job as claimed by bystanders. It was all good. In fact, I was overwhelmed by my teeny tiny little success because I was earning more than a degree holder at the age of 21. I started to travel and partied every weekend. It was the craziest point of my life. The conservative ones thought my actions to be incorrigible. I'm glad I did not miss it.

I worked extremely hard and gave up my weekends for work. I wanted to earn more money because I knew that I need money to make more money. I know I need a lump sum of money to take myself to another level. My parents could not afford to fund me. I have nothing to mortgage to the bank for a loan. So, I need everything in cash. I work from doubly to triply hard as the risk of exhausting myself. It was all worth it.

I started my first company when I was 26. It is not a proud thing, but it is my greatest proud. I started from nothing to owning my own company without any financial help. I started with business plans and models but no one believe in me, not even my family. I started sourcing for a location and my dream began ever since then.

I was afraid and nervous to try but I never hesitate despite the risks. I was prepared to face worst scenarios. I have nothing to lose because I was born with nothing much in the first place. It was incredibly awesome to watch those jaws dropped when they attended my opening. Those jaws used to be the one who told me "You can't!"

I am not successful yet, but I will strive to be that someone someday. I will prove to them that someone lowly can be great with positivity. I am not afraid of failures. I am only afraid that I might not have enough time in my entire life to have enough tries. After all, everyone will grow and die someday. I wanna live like everyday is the last day of my life.

I want to have a better life and I know that yanking about it, sitting by doing nothing except drink, drank, drunk is not gonna make my life amazing. I faced obstacles and I overcame many of them. I just got to face more of them before reaching my goals.

Being poor is not shameful. But it is shameful not to work hard and remain the way as it is without striving to make changes. I truly love my life because I am doing something that I yearn to. I know this is just the beginning, but I am prepared.

No one knows the outcome or future, we just got to put in our best and keep trying.  

Chapter 2 Little steps

Every adventure requires a first step. You don't have to have it all figured out to move forward. The smallest step in the right direction ends up being the biggest step of your life. My journey began when I had decided to move out of my comfort zone. I want to commit to my dreams because they know the way. Stars can't shine without darkness and I found someone who is willing to walk through it with me. I still have a long way to go. But I'm already so far from where I used to be. I'm proud of that, be it success or failure. 

I am half way through the first adventure and I had taken a second step to my next adventure. I am thankful to meet my soulmate.

I would rather think of what could go right than to be afraid of what could go wrong because life is a bitch. We will walk through thick and thin, waves and storm.

Because we have the same goals...

Behind the consequences

Chapter 1 Gain VS Loss

In each loss there is a gain, as in every gain there is a loss and with each ending comes a new beginning. Life can be beautiful. It can be a prick as well. Everyone wants the best of both worlds, so am I. I always believe that I am a blissful person. Yes, even till now despite losing a good friend. 

We cry over people we once loved. But today, bridges have been burnt. Letting go doesn't mean I stop caring. It only means I stop trying to force others to care. It takes two hands to clap and we all knew love is reciprocal. Honestly, I still think of her at times, wishing her happiness from faraway. She may be hating me because I left. The people that are quick to walk away are the ones who never intended to stay and she was always the one. It was my truly my first attempt to walk away and I did not turn back at then. It was not an easy task but I felt broken. "Disappointment" is not even strong enough to describe my feelings at then. After all, Rome wasn't build in a day and I was the jerk who broke her.

I could never imagine my most important moment without her. However, she disappeared in a twist of fate. It was a difficult choice and I would not have done so if there was still turning point. 

People asked me if I would turn back if she approaches me again. Maybe I will or maybe not. There's no "maybe" because I understand her well enough to know that she will not do so with her given character not having trust in people which includes me as well.

People talks and I listen because I always find out amazing things about myself that I never knew which can be entertaining. Some people don't want to hear the truth because they don't want their illusion destroyed. Whereas, some people look forward to the truth because they are over confident that the truth is not going to shattered them. 

We all claimed to be unbothered by critiques and remarks. It's self proclaim. Deep within, I doubt I can be completely unbothered. However, I am willing to make changes if fault is with me. It is definitely mission impossible for me.

If there is a second chance, what will my reaction be?

There is no second chance in life. It's a growing up process. We learn, we strive. Maybe someday, we will meet. All the events of unhappiness fade away and a new chapter sparks off.

Maybe...

Nobody knows...