Chapter 4 Nothing is fair in this world

I'm doubting myself to and extent that I lost myself. I doubt my beliefs because no one believes. I think that I'm depressed because I had overworked myself. I felt so down that I stop writing my feelings across my face.

I am truly exhausted. I worked till dawn almost every alternate days and I am trying hard not to because it's bad for health and reduce my productivity at work. Counting, checking and thinking are like my routine. Yes, and operations.

I pinned high hopes that someone could have helped me. The harshest truth is, no one. The only person that I can trust is myself. I think that I had landed myself in a bad state, a bad shape. Yes, mentally and physically.

I want my hard work to be recognised. However, culture proves that it's a disadvantage to be a woman despite our era.

"Which is more important, success or recognition of effort?" I asked myself.

It's both ways. But success is the top priority. I felt unbalance at heart. I often feel a kind of wrenching pain when images of what I had been thru flashes through my mind. The images reminded me of my hard work and the solid proof that I made it all with my will. Yes, I did it!

People had mistaken the kind of success I'm craving for. I was thought to be craving for wealth. No, I was not. I am not. I am craving for a breakthrough. I am challenging myself and pushing myself to my limits. I want to see how far I can travel in this life learning journey.

No one can have the best of both worlds. Neither do I. For now, I can't soar because I had a rope tied to my legs. I have commitments. These commitments are my greatest foes in life. It feels like a one-man show. I feel extremely lonely.

I felt as though I was deserted on an island and being all by myself. There was a kind of emptiness in me that I don't know how to describe. Sometimes, I just wish to be alone by myself. It sound sad, isn't it. That's not the saddest yet. The saddest is, I cannot afford the time to be by myself.

Maybe I'm just not born to soar. Maybe I should stay within my place because I am a woman. Maybe I should accept the fact that I am nothing. Or maybe I should not have started all these unrealistic dreams.

I earn my penny. I earn what I own now. I do not want to give it up. I want to see the fruits of my labour. I know that I'm reaching there soon and I will as long as I don't give up.

I will... I will...

I have walked till this day and nothing can make me give up.