Everlasting no

It's a harsh truth but no chapter last forever. My eyes uncontrollably welled up as I reminisce every path we walked from the bitterest hardship to the eventful up and downs. I probably didn't want it to end up in such an awful ending but circumstances can be a destruction push from behind. I'll make this the last time crying over spilt milk. Everything was well when we first met, we brought us closer despite being hated. Though we always remind one another that it's not a big deal being hated. Deep within, it's hurtful to be detest without a good cause. We were given names from the 'awful bitches' to 'world greatest slut'. Even though, we were oblivious about the hatred, tried to be optimistic about the existence of horrendous names, we knew it's hurtful. I thought that you are the best comfort. Despite the fact that haters kept drawing us apart, I never once sway towards them. We were so happy every single day even when we had to handle the mountain workload from school, the amiable looking faces inflicting damages from behind and being penniless as a student. 

It might not be the proudest thing to be a bad ass student, but it's truly the happiest period to be one, when we skipped school for karaoke, smuggling fast food into movie theatres, enjoying McDonald student meal weekly, ranting over an issue over a meal, touching up concealer in the ladies till it turned green (almost), emptying wallet with shopping indulgence and struggled home with numerous bags. That was the happiest period.

We had joy, we had fun, we had seasons in the sun. But the hills that we climbed were just seasons out of time. It's hard to meet someone who helps you up when you are sad and cheers you up when you are blue. People says making millions of friends is not an achievement, the achievement is to make a friend who stands with you when millions are against you.

Then, someone came into the story and I was dwelling in the uncertainty of losing a friend. I kept the situation in control to avoid aggravating the wound. Then she decided that she wanted to take over my position and detested me without a good cause. It's jealousy and it happened all the time. Maybe another someone tried to sabotage our ship, but I did my rightful part to stop her from doing so. Maybe to an extent that, I don't even allow her to hate you without a cause because I know that kind of pain we been through. Not only I stopped her, I lectured her when issue depreciated and went out of my comfort zone. As a friend, you allowed me to be detested despite experiencing the kind of pain we went through leaving me unprotected. So I bind my wound on several occasions asking myself what I had done to make her dislike me. Once, I gritted my teeth so hard to make a special plan even though it was close to humiliating. I turned a deaf ear to the unkind tone and facial expression, I neither retaliate nor kick up a big fuss because I wanted the plan to work with effect. Then we drifted off like a slow processor because you shared all the fun we owned with her. Every friendship has a sacred bond, there are things you dos and dons with different people, be it close or distance. The connection faded over the years.

Maybe, I was at fault too. After all, it takes two hands to clap. Maybe I should have voice it out a long time ago. Actually, I did, maybe once or twice but it was ignored. Then, I cried and get things over the very next day telling myself to stop dwelling on the unhappiness considering that you are my friend, not her and I should not put you in a difficult spot. It's not easy to have friends or make friends and I know you treasure her too after so much that you both had been through. So, I decided to label the painful impact that she inflicted on me as ant bites. It wasn't the truth but often, I convinced myself. One year, two years then three, coming four. My endurance lasted long and then I just erupted because of a promise. We said and made things clear and I wanted the trip very much because I really think that I deserve it after all these endurance and sacrifices. I thought that we could finally have the bonding time and perhaps picking up the good old times and had an enjoyable trip without any worries. She assumes you are hers and went ahead with the bookings without your acknowledgement when I never ever thought that you are mine because you are not a property. 

Disappointment and angsty filled my mind and my mind was treated with anaesthesia when being told at the instant. I was at the loss of words and still, I tried not to erupt. I really tried my best to feign ignorance, painless or even controlled my tears so hard that I had never done it before. It was really so hurtful that I could not stop shedding tears at the thought of it. I was hoping that there was this little tiny chance that you would reject her with considerations to my wounded heart. Apparently, there was no considerations towards my heart and soul that are tearing up from inside. You have no tendency of protecting my feelings. You are just there to inform me in a better way, having hope that I would make the adjustment to cater for the changes. You are saying that you can visit the same place twice. I knew, that was out of guilt, not cherishing how I feel about cherishing you as my best friend.  

I don't know where's the sadness coming from, neither do I know the objective of my sadness. At this moment, I know I'm absolutely hurt from the very deep down. Maybe we had crossed the rubicon or maybe we had not. You are expecting me to revert to the old times, but how about the salvation effort I had input these years, how much had you realised I had been mistreated or how much effort are you willing to put in to bring us back to the old times, enduring the same amount like I did to treasure and cherish our friendship. I'm sincerely thankful when I was told that she was valuable because of higher frequency of meeting. The higher the frequency, the higher the value. Thank you for the cruel truth. So after all, we read friendship in a distinguishing ways. I shall not kick up a fuss like child because nothing works except facing the reality. Saying and doing are entirely different. I am sorry if I hadn't been able to compromise, to give and take. I've done my best even if god disagrees or friend mocks. I have a clear conscience even though I may not be entirely right. Nobody sees a flower really, it is so small. We haven't time, and to see takes time - like to have a friend takes time. You said that it was your fault and will make things better. If you cherish, you won't squander any chance of making things better. You just did. Everlasting doesn't stay forever.

“I believe that everything happens for a reason. People change so that you can learn to let go, things go wrong so that you appreciate them when they're right, you believe lies so you eventually learn to trust no one but yourself, and sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together.”

By Marilyn Monroe