I feel demoralise at time like the others. I experienced sad moments, disappointments and fury because humanity exists. It may sounds absurd, I feel really bad and horrible. People misinterpret my actions for love. I'll be real nice, straightforward and honest towards my love ones (I'm talking about friendship, relationship and kinship). I know who are the ones who understand me the best despite my confusing behaviours. I put in efforts and I swear I did, even though no one sees it. Still, I wish to be appreciated (who doesn't?). I am not expecting a 100% return. Just a simple way like, "I love you, you love me. We are happy family." I'm not expecting a 200% cash back just because I invested a 100% in it. We shouldn't calculate it that way.
I try to be there for my friends when they need me. I try to help my family when they are in need of help. I try to be understanding when my bf requires my understanding. I never leave them just because they are harsh, broke, nasty, rude or it could be many other reasons. I choose to stay at all times unless my patience doesn't allow it anymore. I could have said so but I never leave even when my patience breaks my limit.
I absorbed and filter comments that hurt. I put in effort that no one sees and condemned me for being a bad bitch. You don't see it, but that doesn't mean that I didn't do it. I tried my best to salvage everything I can. I give up my time, my money, my energy and probably my heart. It's not an investment, I know. All I want I want is nothing, nothing at all. I don't expect extreme kindness or gratitude. I'll be glad enough that there should be no more knives piercing through me. Unfortunately, even the closest ones pierce me through with a samurai sword. I felt the pain and it hurts. The languages, tone, attitude simply bring fire and thunderstorm across the sky like a boom.
Should kindness be trampled?
Should understanding be tarnished?
Should effort be wasted?
Should consideration be discarded?
Have you had any idea when do humans feel hurt?
Humans are made up of flesh and blood. The amount of pain is derived from the amount of effort given. Yes, it's like Mathematics. Unexpected results brings pain when you know that you had spent good efforts. It hurts when it's not being appreciated. It hurts doubly when it's being trampled further. The one who hurts you simply fail to know you. Then, you begin to see the real world. The dark side of humans emerge when you tried to cherish. It takes a long time before you cherish, but it only requires split seconds to give up on everything. Slowly, you begin to realise that letting go eventually will make you a happier person. It's good to grab tight on ropes at times, but life is like a song, a game, a dream, a sacrifice, a challenge. A rope breaks when you hold on to it too tight. So, give space, give time, when you reach the end of a rope, tie a knot in it and hang on. Well, if things are not going to work, it won't work.
Cherish is just a plain verb without actions. People say it, want it but no one does it. No one is perfect in this world, so am I. I am not expecting myself to live in a perfect world. All I need is a world with only people who cherish me, love me and understand me.
So now, I decided to let go of my rope and let nature takes it course and feed my sense. I'll not bother and listen any further. Making changes to yourself for your love ones, well, it sounds really great, I swear. In fact, it's making yourself tired at the same time. Re-adapting yourself to camouflage into the surrounding is equivalent to brainstorming a lie in life. You blend into the surrounding by making yourself tired, having people pointing fingers, misinterpreting every actions and movements of yours. It's not worthwhile.
I tried to change and I fail. Now, I decided not to change. I'm not saying this in a fit of anger. I just sorted my thoughts clearly. I decided not to change because I realise it's going to be a failed investment. Some people invest to earn small money, some invest to earn big money. But, no one invest at a declined stage. I just wanna save my keep for rainy days. I don't wish to witness myself shattering like a glass someday with no support.
Friendship, relationship and kinship are like ships. We maintain it to keep it going. It takes two hands to clap. I feel tired clapping with a single hand. I believe my friends, bf and family will love the way I am even if I am not going to adapt and change. If they stop loving me, there's nothing much I can do to salvage either. All I can say, fate no longer exist. It is always good to end a story beautifully before it turns nasty and horrendous.
I don't wanna care anymore.
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