Chapter 4 Nothing is fair in this world

I'm doubting myself to and extent that I lost myself. I doubt my beliefs because no one believes. I think that I'm depressed because I had overworked myself. I felt so down that I stop writing my feelings across my face.

I am truly exhausted. I worked till dawn almost every alternate days and I am trying hard not to because it's bad for health and reduce my productivity at work. Counting, checking and thinking are like my routine. Yes, and operations.

I pinned high hopes that someone could have helped me. The harshest truth is, no one. The only person that I can trust is myself. I think that I had landed myself in a bad state, a bad shape. Yes, mentally and physically.

I want my hard work to be recognised. However, culture proves that it's a disadvantage to be a woman despite our era.

"Which is more important, success or recognition of effort?" I asked myself.

It's both ways. But success is the top priority. I felt unbalance at heart. I often feel a kind of wrenching pain when images of what I had been thru flashes through my mind. The images reminded me of my hard work and the solid proof that I made it all with my will. Yes, I did it!

People had mistaken the kind of success I'm craving for. I was thought to be craving for wealth. No, I was not. I am not. I am craving for a breakthrough. I am challenging myself and pushing myself to my limits. I want to see how far I can travel in this life learning journey.

No one can have the best of both worlds. Neither do I. For now, I can't soar because I had a rope tied to my legs. I have commitments. These commitments are my greatest foes in life. It feels like a one-man show. I feel extremely lonely.

I felt as though I was deserted on an island and being all by myself. There was a kind of emptiness in me that I don't know how to describe. Sometimes, I just wish to be alone by myself. It sound sad, isn't it. That's not the saddest yet. The saddest is, I cannot afford the time to be by myself.

Maybe I'm just not born to soar. Maybe I should stay within my place because I am a woman. Maybe I should accept the fact that I am nothing. Or maybe I should not have started all these unrealistic dreams.

I earn my penny. I earn what I own now. I do not want to give it up. I want to see the fruits of my labour. I know that I'm reaching there soon and I will as long as I don't give up.

I will... I will...

I have walked till this day and nothing can make me give up.

Make things better

It hadn't been good since the disastrous incident. Yes, something happened unexpectedly at work which made me demoralised. It's all because of a rain which I wish not describe any further to upset myself. I learnt something valuable a real though. I learnt an awesome lecture which taught me how different tone can affect different scenarios. It's definitely something I wish to pick up. It was indeed a skill. I was demoralised but I was motivated to make things better.

Yes, things will be great again.

My wine friends

I was making preparations plan for my wedding when I looked back at some photos. I felt blessed that I was loved by the important ones who played and plays an important roles in my life. Yes, they are irritating, noisy, bitchy and nosy. My wine friends are dear to heart.

"Alcohol may not solve your problems. But neither will tea and sodas."